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Old 05-22-2014, 02:02 PM
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Default New Employment Regulations 2014

New Employment Regulations 2014

SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you have enough strength to be able to go to the doctor, then you are more than able to come to work.

MARTENITY LEAVE

You must first apply to your superiors and with their approval you’ll then be allowed to be pregnant. It will only be allowed once in 10yrs and you only get 1 month maternity leave. No male shall get leave related to his wife’s pregnancy, sickness or even death (he is not a midwife, a doctor nor an undertaker) so there is nothing he can do to assist her, so he is more useful at work.

FAMILY RESPONSIBILITY LEAVE

It would be to your best advantage that you have at least 1 unemployed sibling/aunt/uncle, etc. who can be responsible for everything that may require you to be responsible for, as this kind of leave will no longer be applicable.

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement and we do not expect someone claiming the funds on your behalf because he did not work or was not appointed on your behalf.

TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allocated time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open..

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim fast and take a diet pill.
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